When I first created this blog, almost 3 years ago, I meant it to be a happy place where I can gush about the things that make my world colorful and worth every difficult day. Looking back and re-reading my past posts, I will have to admit, I have only been partially successful.
I have always been a transparent person, whatever I was going through, people could always read it off me like some page of a book. Which is why, I suppose, due to the recent events, I chose to deactivate my Facebook account and be a social network recluse for just a little while.
How’s it going? Well..not very good. This is just day 3 of my first and real alone time in years and already I am feeling the familiar heaviness of heart and mind. There are hours when I feel that I have made the right decision, that I was right in making a stand the way I did. And yet there are those when the emptiness seems to engulf me and it is all I could do not to scream and go do something stupid.
It is never an easy thing accepting a relationship’s brutal ending. In my short life, I have gone through four and of those four, one was extra painful and difficult to get over. Not because the guy was so ideal or because he was so kind and generous. Believe me, I had all the right reasons for letting go. Yet, he was the most difficult to forget and it took me the better part of a year and a half before I was finally able to function happily without him.
I have a bad feeling that this one is going to be the same. I can no longer count the times when we have broken up, when I threw him out of the house and he left in a huff with all his belongings in tow. I wish I could say that all the screaming and the blaming has left me numb. Perhaps to a certain degree it has, but today, when all the indignations have been set aside, I am feeling the emptiness of being alone and it is not such a pretty picture after all.
Part of me is regretting that I have chosen to raise my unborn child alone. Yes, it is the modern times and yes, single mothers are now being accepted as normal part of the society. I suppose there is that part of me that still wanted a complete family, not only for myself but also for the kid. But then again, I was not going to trap myself in a miserable marriage just to be able to hold my head high and say yes, i am a respectably married woman with children born within the legalities of a marriage contract.
The last year has not been a walk in the park. If I were to describe it, I’d say it has been an uphill battle– trying to keep the relationship, making our similarities work against our differences, understanding our individual attitudes and coming up with a truce line when clearly there wasn’t going to be one.
For now, I am glad it’s over. That everyday won’t have to feel like I’m walking on a minefield, where a wrong step may cause me to lose my head. As to whether i will feel this consistently in the coming days, that remains to be seen.